Twilight: The Movie is here! But what is this Twilight? I’m a bit out of “the loop,” but from my research I have gathered that the Twilight, a “Vampiromance” book series about forbidden love, is a massive success and have made author Stephanie Mayors a very rich woman. As for the books themselves, they are kind of like the Hardy Boys except with more teen romance. The sequels, Twilight 2, Full Moon, and Twilight 4: Dawn Breaks, are wildly successful as well. There are also vampires, so the series is definitely for readers 18 and over. Anyway, does the movie live up to the hype? You bite-er believe it!

The main character is Bella Swine, who moves to a town named Forx to live with her rugged fireman father. Although shy, she quickly makes friends with some autistic kids at school. However, it is the mysterious 107 year old teenager Edward McCullen that she takes the most interest in. It is here, in my opinion, that the movie shines the most- its one of the most honest portrayals of falling in love in cinema history. To me, it felt like It’s all there; the asthmatic breathing, the lip tremors, and yes, the flaring nostrils, the David-Bowie-in-1976 skin complexion.

Things heat up between them, though, after a near-vehicular homicide brings them together. Sooner or later, however, Edward must tell Bella his terrible secret; he is a sparkly-skin vampire, but not a mean one. Edward is more of a Hot Topic vampire than, say, a Richard Chase vampire. McCullen sums it up pretty good when he says, “What did you expect? Dungeons, castles and mullets?” In fact, although he claims his life is one of immense turmoil, he actually doesn’t have all that many problems besides looking stupid when the sun shines on him a certain way. It would be awesome to have squirrel reflexes and cheetah speed like he does. That way I could run away and go live in the trees whenever my mom tells me to clean my room.

I must admit that the movie’s ideas about relationships are somewhat troubling. Not only does she abandon everything for a man with wildly unpredictable mood swings and questionable dietary habits, it is insinuated that she is to blame for ‘leading him on.’ In short, Bella is not a good role model and teens who idolize her should reconsider. There are many websites out there with relationship advice, and if you ever have any questions, Hilite is here to help as well.

Getting back to the movie, the acting isn’t fantastic, but I smell an Oscar coming for Daniel Radcliffe, who really comes into his own as Edward. The movie has the best vampire baseball scene ever in a movie, and also successfully taps into “Debussymania,” the Debussy craze among today’s teens. Of course, the biggest reason to see this movie is to watch the romance. Even if vampiromance isn’t your thing,

Twilight is definitely the greatest vampire love story of the 21st century so far, and maybe of all time.

I am a writer for this fine comedy collective known as Cinema Dandy, and you’ve probably seen the films I’ve written: BOTCHKA!, POWDER, and now JUMP ROPE.  Coming up you’ll see my contributions to a series from Cinema Dandy, as well as some other films in the works (or so Brendan tells me, if you believe that or not.)  I thought I would present myself to the world, or at least however much of it watches videos online on the great **editor’s note: great?** site Cinema Dandy , and inform you to not fear; there is more to come!

Your humble servant,
Jack Gamber